In times past as I brought the Eucharist to patients dying at hospice, I found solace in such a duty

An Impasse Reflection

by Susan Handle Terbay

During the times I brought the Eucharist to patients dying at hospice, I found solace in such a ministry. And yet, it wasn’t a ministry – more of a privilege, an honor to journey with someone as they traveled from this life to the next. What I brought them was food for this final journey. In their physical life most of them were limited to liquid feedings, ice chips and finally nothing. But in their spiritual journey the Eucharist provided the nourishment they needed to continue on their path to God. Even if it was only a sliver of the host, or an eye drop of consecrated wine – it seemed to fill their souls and thus their spiritual journey became less tiring and more inviting.

It wasn’t until recently that I am beginning to understand the need for such food, such nourishment. Sometimes I find myself searching for a place to worship, to belong. In so doing I find myself hungry – not physically but spiritually. I hunger. Yet, I’m not ready to commit to another community, and I have no clue as to why.

Am I searching for my convenience or for truth or something more? What is keeping me from committing, from ministering, from belonging? Am I searching for something that is right in front of me or am I blinded by my own inability to see the sign as I continue to confront God for answers.

It seems I have reached an impasse of a kind; unable to continue onto the next path. Maybe this is my sign; to just rest; let go of expectations, needs, desires and allow things to just happen. I think part of my frustration is the need to accept the fact that if I want change or if I need to travel a different path that it is my choice and no one else. Others can influence me, either by pushing, shoving or pulling me – but I am the one who decides. I am also one who suffers from my lack of patience – I want answers and I want them now.

I left a church community where for many years I found fulfillment, purpose. It is no longer a community where I can belong yet it was home for me for so many years. Did I abandon my community or did I just need to move on to someplace else?

Your presence, God, is very strong like the wind today. Yet it is so very quiet within my being.

As I sit here my spirit is dry – I thirst;

My soul is empty – I hunger.

I am alone but not abandoned just in need of some nourishment for my journey.